Here’s a freeloading gecko – just leaving droppings and making high-pitched noises. You’re cute, but you suck.

Living in a foreign country, you learn to accept and live with the daily frustration of misunderstandings, miscommunication, laziness, incompetence, etc…(however you want to sensitively frame it).

Most times I can laugh it off and go for a swim in the tropical sun.

However, over time, some undelivered messages build up that really need to get out of my brain. (I need to look after my mental health, after all.)

So, if you see any of these folks listed below, please pass on these short, well-intended messages on my behalf (with a huge smile and a ‘hari, hari’ of course.)

  • Message to SL law enforcement with tear gas: Ease off on indiscriminately firing tear gas into densely populated areas. Morons. Thank you.

This message is in reference to an occurrence from last Friday night while walking near a place called Borella junction in Colombo. A friend and I were walking to a local watering hole after work, when all of a sudden our eyes started burning and watering, and our throats started seizing up. At first we thought we’d accidentally walked by the world’s largest onion being cut up, but as the pain grew, we realized this was not the result of a vegetable.

Luckily, we quickly ducked into the bar and our eyes were saved and our throats were quenched with delicious Lion Lager.

It turns out the burning was from tear gas being sprayed into the air by the police and Special Task Force who were responding to a serious prison riot in the area (about 1 km away). While there’s no doubt the situation they were attending to was severe, still not sure how gassing the entire surrounding neighbourhood helped?

Add that to the fact that there’s speculation that some of the prison staff were in on the riot and you’ve got a regular ol’ Sri Lankan mess on your hands –

I’m guessing these fellows will have a lot of messages coming their way.

  • Message to geckos and spiders: Eat some ants and mosquitoes you lazy bastards! Thank you.

Walking around my house this morning I spotted half-a-dozen spiders (not scary ones, just small ones) and various-sized geckos. They all had one thing in common – they were doing nothing. They just sit there while a buffet of delicious ants and mosquitoes is readily available day and night.

While I personally enjoy having geckos around and will tolerate spiders, if you’re not going to eat bugs, get the f out of my house!

  • Message to Margaret the Wood Carver – I’m coming for you, Margaret. Oh yes, I haven’t forgot your robbery of us. Thank you.

Not much more to say except that we are still out 50 bucks for a wood carving we never received from an old lady in Kandy. But, revenge will be sweet.

  • Message to the Sri Lankan Graduates from Socialist Countries – I will be attending your annual supper and dance this weekend as a guest of a doctor at the hospital. This is to forewarn you that I will be blogging about this experience and I’m expecting it to be a farce. Please don’t disappoint me. Thank you.
  • Message to the Saskatchewan Roughriders – Thank you for playing very little entertaining football during my absence the past 2 years. Next year, feel free to win again. I will be in the stands cheering and having fun. It will be awesome. Thank you.
  • Message to the National Hockey League – Thanks to the lockout, you’ve completely disappeared from the Sri Lankan radar screen. In fact, everything has. It’s been covered in tear gas…

Thanks for reading and passing the message on.

Keep doing your best and take care.