I'm sure I've had calls from every one of these guys since I enjoyed a leisurely tube with them in February. And I guarantee we haven't understood one thing we've said to one another.

The following are actual transcripts of actual phone conversations I’ve had over the past 11 months in Sri Lanka. I can’t make this shit up.

This first one I’ve had 136 different times:

Me answering my phone – “Hello.”

Person on the other end – “Hello. Mr. Shaun?”

Me – “Yes, hello.”

Other person – “Hello…hello, Mr. Shaun?”

Me – “Yes. This is Shaun.”

Other person – “Hello…Hello?”

Me – “Yes hello. This is Mr. Shaun.”

Other person – “Hello….Mr. Shaun, where are you?”

Me – “Hello. I am at home. Who is this?”

Other person – “Okay, okay…” click

Me – “Hello? Bye?”

This next one happened last week:

OT at hospital: “Hello, Mr. Shaun?”

Me: “Yes, hello”

OT: “Mr. Shaun, Sir has called from Vietnam.”

Me: “Oh. Is he okay?”

OT: “Mr. Shaun, hello?”

Me: “Yes, I’m still here.”

OT: “Mr. Shaun, Sir has called and he wants the annual report added to the website.”

Me: “I thought Sir was in Vietnam?”

OT: “Mr. Shaun, he has called from Vietnam.”

Me: “Wow, okay. Well can you email me the pdf of the annual report and I will work on posting it?”

OT: “Okay…okay, Mr. Shaun.” click

…And, I’m still waiting for the email. I’m guessing Sir hasn’t called again.

This is a good one from a number of months back…

Me answering phone at 6 a.m.: “Hello.”

Guy: “You want a taxi?”

Me: “No.”

Guy: “Okay.” click

Here’s a well meaning call:

Me: “Hello.”

Doctor: “Yes, hello. I am phoning to wish you a happy 4th of July.”

Me: “Thank you, but I’m Canadian and that’s an American holiday.”

Doctor: “Congratulations on your independence.” click

Me: “Uh…thanks. Hello?”

Sometimes I wonder how everyone and everything doesn’t just smash together. It truly is a miracle how it all seems to work – considering I can’t seem to have a simple phone conversation that makes any sense at all.

Good times.

Mr. Shaun