This is our fisherman friend we met in Mirissa that gave us a tour of his house and introduced us to his pet monkey. I think the monkey handles all of his message deliveries. He's on a break here after hours of feces throwing.

Answering machines are pretty much non-existent in Sri Lanka, so I haven’t been able to leave a solid message (a la Randall Cobbledick) in over seven months.

And because email use is spotty at best here and attempting to talk to someone on the phone only ends in confusion, frustration and tears, I have a lot of information piling up that needs to get to people.

If you see any of the following people before I do, please pass on these very important messages:

  • To the three-wheel drivers that insist on pulling over and blocking my path just to ask me if I need a ride, please accept my thumbs down and middle finger. If I need a ride, I will ask you – and even let you rip me off a little because I’m white. No hard feelings, you’re just ignorant a-holes that are giving a bad name to all the other hard working tuk tuk-ers with a dream of making some money and scoring some trim.
  • To the Sri Lankan President, thank you for declaring today a public holiday just last week. It’s greatly appreciated from this government employee. I also appreciated your humour last week when you told the European and North American governments to get their economies in order. Good burn, Your Excellency.
  • To our neighbours, I’m slightly hurt that you told Trina this week that I was not as “socialized” as her. I’ll have you know that I’m plenty socialized. Just ask my friends at the psych hospital.
  • To the guy who used to burn plastic outside our window, thanks for taking your plastic elsewhere to burn. If we could just focus on the manure burning now, we’d be on a roll. You’re cool with me though.
  • To the 2011 Riders, thanks for not making me regret for one second that I missed your entire season. That was kind of you.
  • To the 2011 Sri Lanka Monsoon, it’s time for you to go. You’ve filled up the rivers and lakes, and cooled things off, don’t outstay your welcome like you did last year.
  • To everyone back home, I’m apologizing in advance for never being on time for anything again. I’ve drank the tardiness Kool-aid, and it is delicious.

Thanks for helping me pass these messages on. If you have any messages for me to pass on, post a comment.

Keep it real.